many people think the hardest thing to do is to lose a loved one... but that's not the case for me. one of the hardest things for me to do is to explain my feelings to someone. i know it sounds like the most simplest thing. but its really not. i am still having trouble talking to the guy im dating right now. i cant to to much about him. i will try and tell him how i feel but it doesn't come out right all the time and i struggle to put sentences together that make seance. plus i haven't been sleeping well for the last couple of days. and i always feel sick and im usually in pain somewhere. and then to try and explain that to him and not know why its happening just makes me look dumb. i dought he knows this but i try really hard to tell him when something is bothering me but i don't want him to misunderstand and get hurt.
every one around me is slowly starting to drift away from me. and all it dose is leave me cold and alone. dont they get it. i need my friends and my angels but mostt of all i need you...daimend. i cant stand it any more. im tried of sitting here day after day worrieng about both sides of you. i whont last to much longer if im force to do nothing else. it seams like the more i try to be with you the harder it gets so what am i suposed to do i cant just watch you walk away from me again. i would do anything to stand by your side though the times you needed me the most but i dont get that choise. right now i have to stay where i have a hpuse for the winter besides it seams like your friends dont want me around and im worried you may feel the same. please tell me its not true tell me you love me. just one more time please.
i have repeated them same thing over and over in my head..."she isn't me!" but still i do not believe. there's no way we are two different people. we are the exact same except one thing. i own the body shes just the other...but other what...? i don't think she is me she is slightly different when i am shy she is courageous, when i feel alone she feels crowded. She smart and gorgeous but im...im just plain old me with out her i would probably be so much dumer then i am. so if she isn't me who is she....i don't know yet but i will.
many people say love is worth every bit of pain and pleasure that it causes. But i personally think other wise. i have been though hell and back and all this guy dose now it lets me now exactly where i stand. well now im letting him win ill do as he says no qeustions askd.
One of my close friends had finally asked me out(hes been trying to for a year). and i agreed to a trail date but someone who knows me really well and know that i was uncomfortable with it had told the guy that. and he got mad but then this girl who i personally don't like had started to join the convo and between the two of them i have now lost the my long time friends Dylan. i know i could tell him other wise but i doubt he will believe me. i'm starting to wounder if every one is looking out for whats best for me or just telling me what to do. i know whose doing what but its hard to sword it out when its happening.
the secret was that he wanted to marry me. he thought i was the one, but now i guess our visions have changed. hes with her and im stuck sitting here alone knowing that i did this. It was my chose for us to go our ways but he still has a lot of learning to do. like saying that we can make memories of us as "just friends" like seriously that sounds like hes trying to rub it in that he found someone new. Ask any gril if you word a sentence wrong then they get hurt badly. we were in love and perfect but i went and messed it all up. hes moved on i guess its my turn now.
so on the 20th i turn 17 my last year of child hood and moms abusing her privileges!! she thinks she can force me to go to grandmas instead of party! shes got another thing coming. im not going and theres no way she can make me i will fight this one till the end. theres no hope in hell that she will get me to go. its my brithday. plus ray my grandpa died in that house on may 18 2009. i dont want to be there im not over it yet. i have plans that im not backing out of last minute just because she said so like what the hell. i wasted time doing that when i was little but not anymore. i have had this pland sence june and now just before my plans all start im suposed to just get up and go. screw that! im not going and i dont care if that sounds mean but i go to grandmas alot im not going there for a week just to bail on my plans and my birthday.
my mother decided it would be fun for us to go shopping. i was determined on staying when this morning went all wrong but little did i know i didn't have a choice. my step father told me to go that it would be nice. i was till we left grandmas. she ignored me. treated me like crap made fun of me every chance she had and to top it all off she let Chrissy come. (for those of you who aren't up to date on this Chrissy is my twin sis...cool right? Wrong!! she beat me up earlier on this summer. so ya totally not cool) so i had to put up with all of this. then there was the clothing shopping where we find clothe I as in ME would wear. not happening. mom said i couldn't have this one item because "I'm paying for it" what kind of self-centered person say that. the day went from being my day to being another p[art of my life she can destroy. what ever all she needs to know is that when she needs me most i wont be there.
the thing that started all of this was one of my guy friends kissed me and he knows who im dating. then my boyfriend decided to be a really grumpy guy for the past few mornings. so i keep thinking hes mad at me. so that makes me feel like even more of a screw up. im beginning to think that maybe me and him wont last forever. i really hoped he was the one. but now im not sure. my life sucks now so much. one of my best friends wont talk to me.well thanx for reading.
omg i hate moveing so much right now. If i have to move again befor i grad i'ma kill someone. Im sick of loseing friends every time i move. And every time i og to a new school the same shit starts adn alwasy for no reason. this time her name is toni. And shes obsesd! she wants to know everything about me where i live, my number, who im dating and every thing and its pissing me off. Im sick of all of it im sso close to demanding to being home schoold its not even funny. well ttyl your friend Nebula
Boo
